What I am really scared of....

I love my blog.  You know why?  Because it is like a friend.  One that is available for listening 24/7, with no judgement or opinions.  I can just talk on and on about my joys, my fears or whatever I want, and my blog just takes it all in. :)  And for those victims who read my blog...it is completely of your own free will, so I don't have to take any responsibility!

So, tonight, as I sit here right in front of this blessed AC window unit (yes, our AC is broken.  God bless America) I need to pour out my heart a little bit.

There is no doubt or debate that I am an emotional person.  The end.  So, every event in my life is an emotional event.  Everything is either happy or exciting or sad or infuriating.  Well, this journey of preparing for our time in Uganda has been one of the most emotional things I have EVER done.  I have experienced SO many emotions....so many powerful and extreme emotions.  It has been exhausting!  It makes me feel so much more sympathetic toward my dear friends who actually moved to Uganda in January.  I can't imagine how powerful those emotions must have been.

Anyway.  I have felt excited, joyful, anxious, worried, curious and more about this trip.  But I would say the overwhelming emotion has been FEAR.  I am embarrassed to say that.  But it is true.  The most powerful emotion I have felt about this 11 day adventure has been fear. 

I have quite a few 'mini-fears.'  Fears that cross my mind, but don't hold too much weight. 

Fear of flying over the ocean.

Fear of getting sick.

Fear of how people see me.

Fear of bugs in my hair.

Fear of bugs in my feet.

Fear of 'hole-in-the-ground' potties :/

But then I have the REAL fears.  The Big Mama fears....that make me feel sick to my stomach.  These are fears that I don't really want to even talk about, because it substantiates them.  But that's not the way I roll.  It's oddly therapeutic for me to articulate them.

The fear of leaving my babies for so long... so long that it somehow messes with the bond I have with them.

The fear of not being strong enough. 

The fear of getting in the way of God's perfect will for this trip.

The fear of God truly changing me.  Like for real.  Because people always say/act like they want to be changed by this kind of trip....I can't even tell you how many people have told me "this will change me."  But I think most people are only looking for 'micro-change'....the kind of change that is still within acceptable boundaries and controllable.  I am afraid God might change me down deep.  The kind of change that doesn't shift perspective, but instead beats it down on the concrete, busts it into a million pieces and stomps on it. 

The fear that God might use this trip to reveal part of His will for our lives. 

These fears....shake me to the core.  They challenge my faith and my theology. 

And the most ridiculous thing of all is that God tells me:

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.  
Romans 8:14-16


But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine."
Isaiah 43:1 

I especially love this passage, when he basically calls them little worms...I have definitely felt like a little worm lately.  This scripture speaks to me!
 
"For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you.
¹⁴ Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,
    little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord,
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
Isaiah 41:13-15

I know He is the only one I should fear.  His Word is my peace.